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Overheard

Note: the following quotes can be verified at this website.
"I did not have spiritual relations with that man."
-GOD, on Pat Buchanan
"I meant richness of spirit, a rich heart."
-MELINDA GATES, explaining her earlier statement on why she married BILL
"You know what you have in common with the proletariat? You’re revolting!"
-Social theorist KARL MARX, during a confrontation in a bar
"Under Governor Bush's tax cut proposal, he would spend more money on tax cuts for the wealthiest 1% than all of the new spending that he proposes for education, health care, prescription drug and national defense all combined. Under my proposal, for every dollar that I propose in spending for things like education and health care, I will put another dollar into middle-class tax cuts."
-Vice President AL GORE, responding to a reporter's question, "Are you listening to this question or just waiting for key phrases like 'tax cut'?"
"Ah, but is not the truly witty man he who has the least wit of all?"
-Author OSCAR WILDE, in one of his less nimble moments
"Aaaaaaaaaaa haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaa haaaaaaaa."
-Consumer advocate and Green Party nominee RALPH NADER, to his dentist
"We understand that the Olympics are not what they once were, and we would like to restore them to their former glory and high ratings."
-A representative from NBC, on the station's proposal to bring back the ancient Olympic tradition of having athletes compete naked
"Now pay attention, 007. What I have here may seem like an ordinary piece of wood. But it contains a sophisticated hand-operated hinging mechanism that allows its operator to pass through walls unscathed. However,anyone who does not follow the proper procedure will find themselves shut outside and quite a bit bruised."
-Product developer Q, of MI6, on his front door
"They said abstinence was 100% effective. But I guess that's just my luck."
-THE VIRGIN MARY, admitting after 2000 years that she had not been expecting or seeking a child
"I don't think the media gives alternative candidates fair coverage."
-Natural Law Party candidate JOHN HAGELIN, summarizing all his qualifications and policy proposals
"I demand a recount!"
-A joke YOU could make anytime anyone counts anything. Please don't.
"I think we're going to get a favorable decision. After all, expulsion from Paradise is no small matter, and to be perfectly honest, she started it."
-Lawyer ALAN DERSHOWITZ, on the class-action suit brought by his client, Man, against Woman. The suit accuses Woman of original sin and seeks $35 trillion in compensatory damages.
"A cigar? Ewwww!"
-The MARQUIS DE SADE, after reading the Starr Report
"CoolMan3775: ;-)
Julie223343: ;-)"

-Excerpt from AOL-Time Warner Inc.'s new translation of Romeo and Juliet into "International Internet Language"
"I feel terrible about this, but I have to follow my heart."
-TOUCAN SAM, resigning as Froot Loops spokesbird after tasting Golden Grahams
"Like the Matrix, it is a game with rules. Some of the rules can be bent. Others can be broken."
-Computer hacker MORPHEUS, a Gore supporter, on the electoral process
"I’m really excited. I think it's really going to make a splash in the movie world."
-Actress JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT, on her upcoming movie, You May Have Thought I Finally Forgot What You Did Last Summer, but in Fact I Wrote it Down in a Handy Little Organizer and Put it in a Safe Place and Now I'm Back and No Matter How Many Times I Forget, I Can Check and Still Remember
"I forgot what I was going to say."
-Senator STROM THURMOND, explaining his position on campaign finance reform
"All I can say is, Napster should be illegal. I put my heart and soul into a song like '... Baby One More Time,' and some little punk can just grab it and use it for her own gain!"
-Songwriter MAX MARTIN, on Britney Spears
"So what if he negotiates peace in the Middle East? He's just trying to save his legacy."
-Senator PHIL GRAMM, on Bill Clinton
"We're going to make the Grinch come alive. The greed, the contempt for simple pleasures, the obsession with material wealth -- we're going to make it all seem almost real."
-Studio executive TODD HALLOWELL, explaining why How The Grinch Stole Christmas will be a box office blockbuster
"And this result I will not foretell,
For it is too close to call."

-NOSTRADAMUS, predicting the 2000 election
"Well, I kind of understand. Mickey’s become less popular and recognized than Joe Camel, and I think he was just trying to reenter the 'in' crowd."
-MINNIE MOUSE, commenting on her husband’s having recently taken up smoking
"Wang and I no way reckless. We just try communicate using inversion technique from American training video Top Gun."
-Surviving chinese fighter pilot ZHAO YU, on his April 1st collision
"This clearly accentuates the need for a missile defense system."
-President GEORGE W.BUSH, on the "All Your Base Are Belong To Us" phenomenon
"In order to benefit both consumers and recorders, we recommend that you make the following changes: make 'girl' rhyme with 'world', and make 'baby' rhyme with 'crazy.'"
-Recording Industry Association of America president HILARY B.ROSEN, in a petition to the Oxford English Dictionary
"He's ... medium height, with ... brown hair. Um, he wears sneakers. Short hair. You still don't know who I'm talking about? All right, let's see ... he has a blue backpack that he wears when he's going to class. A lot of times he stops first and goes to the drinking fountain. You know who he is yet?"
-High school sophomore ERIN MATTHEWS, trying to describe the only black student in her class
"Being an artist is like - oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm trying not to cry, but this is so exciting ... thank you, Academy, for helping our dreams come true."
-Fedex President FREDERICK W. SMITH, accepting the "Best Advertisement" Oscar for Cast Away
"You just can't face the fact that your mother's face could turn Medusa to stone! You can't stand the thought that you have no sexual feelings for her at all, so you've constructed this elaborate myth of an Oedipus complex, claiming to repress feelings that are completely absent!"
-Psycho-analyst CARL JUNG, to his mentor, SIGMUND FREUD
"You know, everyone gives him crap about his offensive lyrics, but what they don't understand about Eminem is it's just all about the music."
-Eminem fan JUSTIN JOHNSON, on the various clinks and beeps interjected into Eminem’s recordings during mixing
"And how about that Cheney's heart, eh? Stop, go, stop, go -- what is it, a traffic light? I mean, come on!!"
-Stand-up comedian NORM MCDONALD, delivering a political zinger
"Struggling corporations need a helper, not a handout. Let's give the money to faith-based organizations who can make sure that we leave no company behind."
-President GEORGE W. BUSH, unveiling his new plan for faith-based corporate welfare
"Pepsi ran a commercial with Britney Spears! From now on, I'll make sure I drink Pepsi instead of Coke."
-NO ONE
"It won't be easy, but we hope it will be quicker than Operation Arthritis, our plan to take out Castro."
-Secretary of State COLIN POWELL, on Operation Enduring Freedom
"I vant to give my blood."
-DRACULA, reacting to the September 11th attacks
"They hate Americans because we're free, right? I figure, this will change that."
-Attorney General JOHN ASHCROFT, defending his proposals for extended FBI powers
"The Koran says so - or, uh, it implies it. Probably."
-Mullah MOHAMMED OMAR, explaining why reading the Koran was added to the list of forbidden activities under his regime
"Boom! Crash, bang! U.S.A.!"
-Secretary of Defense DONALD RUMSFELD, when asked to detail the military objectives of bombing Afghanistan
"Well thank God we're back to a bipolar world!"
-Lazy historians and news analysts worldwide, reacting to September 11
"Our opponents are not easy to find; they are dispersed all over the world, using a vast decentralized network to help each other with their nefarious crimes. But we will eventually hunt them all down, and we will prevail."
-Recording Industry Association of America president HILARY B. ROSEN, on the file-sharing technology that has replaced Napster
"Hello? Is anyone listening?"
-Basketball star MICHAEL JORDAN, announcing his return to the game
"Every Saga Has A Beginning
But The Next Part Will Be Better, We Promise"

-Tagline for Star Wars, Episode II
"You know, I run, jump, and chase mice all the time, but with the media coverage I get, you only hear about the boring days."
-GARFIELD, on his comic strip artist, Jim Davis
"Every computer user knows that when something goes wrong, you just restart."
-Microsoft chairman BILL GATES, on his company's court strategy
"It's the only country whose human rights provisions are lax enough to permit those 'Personal Stories' NBC runs."
-International Olympic Committee president JACQUES ROGGE, explaining why China was chosen to host the Olympics
"Yeah, most of the songs were put on the list because they might remind people of the attacks. But that one just annoys us."
-Clear Channel spokesperson RANDY MICHAELS, on why the "Macarena" is included in his radio company's list of "discouraged" songs
"I hope this album will show that I am not only a Bad, Dangerous Thriller, but also a real down-to-earth person like anyone else."
-MICHAEL JACKSON, on his upcoming album, "Invincible"
"CNN wasn't running my videos anymore. I had to get on the air somehow, and 'America's Funniest Home Videos' seemed like my best shot."
-Terrorist OSAMA BIN LADEN, defending his decision to videotape himself shooting himself in the groin
"Christmas is going to be a little different this year. I finally figured out the difference between 'good' and 'rich,' you see."
-SANTA CLAUS
"I thought we had this case won - we were even using the new 'Microsoft Trustbust XP' software to keep track of our arguments! I can't imagine what went wrong."
-U.S. Attorney General JOHN ASHCROFT, on the Justice Department's recent failure to force a breakup of Microsoft
"The One Ring was forged in the fires of Mt. Doom by the Dark Lord, Sauron. It confers not just invisibility but a fearsome, unimaginable power capableof turning an ordinary man into a depraved, corrupted agent of evil. And now, it can all be yours, lovingly crafted in gold-plated stainless steel, for just $19.95."
-Advertisement on the MIDDLE-EARTH SHOPPING NETWORK
"Well, we can't be letting anything on the plane that's proven to be dangerous to our nation's leaders. And I've always preferred 'Hearty and Zesty' trail mix anyway."
-FAA spokesperson DAVID G. LEITCH, on the new regulation against pretzels on airplanes
"Yeah, 'Killing Me Softly With His Song' was a big hit, but for some reason the follow-up hasn't been selling as well."
-Former Fugees' lead singer LAURYN HILL, on her new single, "Killing Me Hard With His Guitar
"This is a war to make the world safe for capitalism!"
-President GEORGE W. BUSH
"We've had some trouble with converting French francs; a lot of them just burst into flame rather than mingle with euros."
-European Central Bank President WILLEM F. DUISENBERG
"And another place those terrorists might be hiding is in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge, stealing oil from right under our noses! There's only one solution to this."
-President GEORGE W. BUSH, defending his plan to drill in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge
"Every safe landing is another victory against terrorism. There's nothing wrong with a little gloating."
-United Airlines spokesperson VERONICA TEDIO, on United's new post-flight song: QUEEN's "We Are The Champions"
"Well, if the Taliban has a hockey team, you can bet they're going down in semis."
-U.S. Olympic hockey team captain CHRIS CHELIOS, on how he is helping with the War on Terrorism
"There's probably a few months left before we conquer terrorism. At that point, we'll probably move on to corruption, and by 2004 we should be done with perversion."
-Secretary of State COLIN POWELL, on his plans for future campaigns
"What are we accomplishing through all this multiple-choice standardized testing? Simple: future citizens will be able to fill in a ballot correctly."
-Florida governor JEB BUSH
"Why are you people making such a big deal out of this? You're both going to Hell anyway!"
-President GEORGE W. BUSH, losing his cool during Middle East peace negotiations
"I meets every goal, 'cause I chews me Skoal."
-POPEYE THE SAILOR MAN, in a new ad for Skoal Chewing Tobacco
"Playing a Nazi is really going to expand my repertoire. I felt for a while like I was getting typecast."
-Actor GOOFY, on his upcoming role as Heinrich Himmler in Remembering the Holocaust
"It's a pleasant wine, with a Ramen-like aroma and subtle hints of Twinkie, Handi-Snacks, and Dunkaroos."
-The review for which noted wine taster JACQUES DE COCHON was fired
"One of our top concerns right now is the declining use of the word 'cowabunga' in recent years. Unless we take action, studies indicate it will be gone by 2020."
-OTIS P. MILLICAN III, of the Institute for the Preservation of the English Language
"If you support world peace, I think it's fair to say that our religion is where it's at right now."
-Jews for Mohammed Spokesperson SAHIR AL-OMAROWITZ
"The real trick to winning a race is to do one good lap and loop the footage, instead of driving the whole race."
-NASCAR driver JEFF GORDON, explaining his string of recent victories
"Meesa like Nike shoe! Yousa wearin Nike for runnin fasta!"
-Star Wars character JAR JAR BINKS, in an ad for Reebok
"I stand here today because I had the courage and the resolve to visit The Hunger Site, The Cancer Site, The Rainforest Site, The Unemployment Site, and The Sadness Site - once each, every day, rain or shine."
-Websurfer JERRY H. MINKELSTEIN, accepting the Humanitarian Society's "Humanitarian of the Year" award
"We felt that to have a good understanding of the disease, the reader should be able to get a good view of what healthy breasts look like."
-Time Magazine managing editor WALTER ISAACSON, defending Time's fourth breast cancer cover of the year
"PORN!!"
-Every improv comedy audience ever asked to name a movie genre
"Excuse me, but can you give me the time?"
-HOLDEN CAULFIELD's favorite pick-up line
"This moment is so much bigger than me. This moment is for Mel Gibson, Paul Hogan, Yahoo Serious, and every nameless, faceless Australian that now has a chance because this door tonight has been opened."
-Actor RUSSELL CROWE, in his Academy Award acceptance speech
"ITWOSE, acronyms are more important than ever!"
-Anchorman TOM BROKAW, promoting his new abbreviation for "In The Wake Of September Eleventh"
"Saddam Hussein used chemical weapons on HIS OWN PEOPLE!"
-A memo to all of Congress, just in case they forgot
"What is this? Woodstock gets to be named after an awesome rock festival. And what am I? An adjective."
-SNOOPY, in a complaint to Charles Schulz
"No, I think my work is as clever and relevant as it ever was."
-WEIRD AL YANKOVIC, on his new single, "Poop, There It Is"
"I almost got the boulder to the top once. Now I have to take a 15-minute break every two hours because of these stupid union rules."
-SISYPHUS
"Poor spelling is a major problem facing American public schools. We aren't sure what the source is, but something must be done."
-Rap artists OUTKAST, MYSTIKAL, LUDACRIS, and FABOLOUS, in a recent public service announcement
"But if we don't eat the deep-fried bacon-cheese-'n'-butter-loaded potato fritters dipped in the savory sausage ranch sauce, who will?"
-Overweight American BUBBA PINKERTON, on recent concerns about widespread obesity
"I wholeheartedly support every single decision George W. Bush has made as President."
-Former Vice President AL GORE, just to see if anyone is listening
"This just in... the FBI has linked the Beltway Sniper to the disappearance of Jimmy Hoffa, the bombing of the USS Cole, and global warming."
-News anchor TOM BROKAW
"Yo' momma is so fat that I had sex with her four times last night... wait... I mean when I was having sex with her she weighed so much... crap."
-A momma joke gone horribly awry
"I just feel horrible about not getting in my absentee ballot... what if I could have been the deciding vote?"
-Iraqi study-abroad student AHMED AL-MOHAMMED
"Dear Clippy,
Yes, I am writing a letter, and no, dang it, I don't want your help!"

-Microsoft Word user CHARLIE SAMSON in a moment of frustration
"Today will be partly cloudy with a 30 percent chance of rain and a 40 percent chance of terrorism."
-Weatherman JOE SHORTSLEEVE
"Not-Yankees Repeat As World Champs!"
-THE BOSTON GLOBE
"Pants. Are you walking around in a cotton death trap?"
-A recent FOX-25 investigative report
"God made me do it."
-SATAN, after getting a kitten out of a tree.
"Don't be fooled by the lox that I bought. I'm still, I'm still Jenny from the block."
-JENNIFER LOPEZ, to a crowd outside a bagel shop
"We know that everyone else failed, but we are really dense."
-Three budding entrepreneurs on their new online car wash
"I ask only this: do you have more support for me today than you did four years ago?"
-GEORGE W. BUSH on the 2004 campaign trail
"When I take the mic, my lyrics are flowing /
I like to ride in the jets by Boeing"

-An unsuccessful bid by BUSTA RHYMES to get more free products after "Pass the Courvoisier"
"What? It's a compromise, isn't it?"
-Politician KENT SWEENEY, defending his proposal to make abortion legal only in the case that the fetus is a convicted murderer
"The suckiness of the worst movie should be bounded because movies are a finite set. But it definitely isn't."
-Mathematician turned movie critic BART STEINER
"The Day After Tomorrow Came Yesterday"
-Working title for the next James Bond movie
"Since when did France and Germany get so buddy-buddy?"
-DONALD RUMSFELD
"Yeah, there was a lot of debate, but we eventually pointed out to him that 'No Gore in 2004' also rhymes."
-JOSEPH LIEBERMAN
"This bacon was made from pigs that were real jerks."
-HORMEL's new animal-rights-friendly label
"I know TV has come a long way in recent years, but I never thought I would be lucky enough to watch Willis from Diff'rent Strokes eat five goat penises."
-Celebrity Fear Factor viewer KRISTEN STONE
"I have a head too. Why do I always have to be tails?"
-THE BALD EAGLE
"Harry then brushed his teeth, starting in the back with his molars and using clockwise circles. It was a magical toothbrush. He then grabbed his magical washcloth."
-Excerpt from J. K. ROWLING's 896-page Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
"Just when you thought you would never get to see that spinning-camera trick again..."
-Excerpt from an ad for The Matrix Reloaded
"Radical! ... A little too radical for me."
-Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle RAPHAEL, on KARL MARX
"Well, Samuel Adams worked for beer, didn't it?"
-MYRA MOLSEN, defending her proposal for a line of Susan B. Anthony Tampons
"On the other hand, if I just publish my shopping lists for the last decade, my expected profits drop to... $800 billion."
-Author J. K. ROWLING, considering the plot of her next Harry Potter book
"I googled 'Shuffleboard'! How in the world were my first 50 results porn sites?"
-Shuffleboard enthusiast NED CRANDALL
"With divorce rates as they are, we figured a little truth in advertising wouldn't hurt."
-TONY KENDALL, on his company's new slogan: "A Cubic Zirconium Is For Long Enough"
"Why did the dinosaurs become extinct?
Dino-SARS!"

-A new popsicle stick joke
"No - see, I'm on this no-carb diet, so if this were the body of Christ, then I could eat it."
-Catholic KEVIN SWEENEY, explaining his request that his priest bless fifteen loaves of bread
"Now we're going to cut to the Chevrolet Rabbit Cam... I think that if you look closely you'll be able to see Allen Iverson's foot pass by."
-MARV ALBERT, introducing a useful new camera angle to the NBA playoffs
"Merrill Lynch and Morgan Stanley engaged in questionable practices? Oh no, what if that hurts people's faith in big business?"
-Consumer CHARLENE FOSTER
"Shock and Awe... that's what we should have called it! Those Americans are good."
-Al-Qaeda member SAHIR AL-OMAR, reflecting on the World Trade Center attacks
"Man, I hate the French... I mean, the 'freedom.' I hate the freedom."
-American GEORGE THOMPSON, working hard to internalize the new vocab
"Yeah... we told Rumsfeld that if we get a royal flush, we get to invade Syria."
-GEORGE W. BUSH, on the Iraqi most-wanted playing cards
"I did it!"
-Yankees fan JOE ZIROLI, on his team's victory
"It's a bird... it's Superman... it's a PLANE!"
-UNITED's new advertising slogan
"... one nation, under God, or gods, or no god, or Goddess, or possibly Satan, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all."
-new version of the PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE
"We beat their prices, guaranteed."
-The desperate pitch of a LIBRARY next door to a bookstore
"Anyone with knives is a terrorist. Do you want us to listen to the terrorists?"
-FAA Spokesperson GREG MARTIN, defending the decision to halt all flights, even though Nathaniel Heatwole had said exactly when and where he would be hiding the knives
"Hey, plug that back in! It's still alive!"
-JEB BUSH, when his wife unplugged a TV set that had been nonfunctional for 13 years
"Despite ample warning, you will eat a stale fortune cookie."
-A FORTUNE COOKIE
"When we say 'pinpoint accuracy,' we are of course speaking of a newly developed Pentagon pin, which is the size of a few city blocks."
-PENTAGON PRESS RELEASE defending inaccurate missile strikes
"As a publicity stunt this is an absolute failure."
-ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER, on the decline in his media profile since he became a public servant
"Lousy unoriginal Neo punk. Why didn't he just go all out and get the stigmata too?"
-JESUS CHRIST
"Only I can prevent forest fires."
-PAUL BUNYAN, stumping for the Bush forest policy
"It's the stupid economy."
-BILL CLINTON, on Bush's stabilizing popularity and the apparent end to the recession in late 2003
"In light of the finding, therefore, of the extremely negative effects of death on the world population, and, whereas, such deaths have been found to decrease said population, now, therefore..."
-Preamble to yet another ineffectual UNITED NATIONS RESOLUTION
"What's wrong with the name 'Operation Fourth Crusade'?"
-GEORGE W. BUSH, arguing with advisors during a discussion on terminology for the war in Iraq
"Two cords of wood a day. Now leave me alone."
-THE WOODCHUCK
"Well, what were we supposed to do? Not assassinate them?"
-WHITE HOUSE PRESS RELEASE explaining why the killing of Qusay and Uday Hussein did not violate President Ford's 1976 Executive Order forbidding political assassinations
"They're 'organic' - they must be good for you."
-BOREALIS ORGANICS on their new organic-tobacco cigarettes
"I can't say I'm happy with all the negative press it's generated against our holiday."
-THE EASTER BUNNY, on Mel Gibson's The Passion
"How about eight? Maybe eight wrongs make a right."
-MICHAEL JACKSON
"It would stir up bad memories."
-GEORGE W. BUSH, on why he avoided Chad on his tour of Africa
"Well, it won everything else..."
-PETER JACKSON, running The Lord of the Rings as a Democratic candidate
"I do... well, I hope I do..."
-BRIAN SOLLERS, on the uncertain legality of his marriage to Aaron Firestein
"This book is fantastic! It really helped me stop lying."
-DAVID FJORDSEN, as quoted on the back of 101 Ways to Cure Yourself of Pathological Lying
"Yes, it's a tough job, but after Saddam was caught, someone had to take over as the enemy of America."
-MARTHA STEWART
"Maybe all the country's problems would be solved if we changed our name to 'Lovey'?"
-JEAN-BERTRAND ARISTIDE's last-ditch effort to keep popular support and stay in office
"WE FOUND WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!! They're in Libya."
-GEORGE W. BUSH
"The trains in Spain blow up mainly in the plains."
-ABERCROMBIE & FITCH's latest offensive t-shirt
"Where do you think the party gets its Green?"
-AL GORE, speculating that Republicans are paying Nader to run again
"I figured out I was an Eskimo trapped in a black man's body."
-NIGAQ (né TYRONE) ANUNIAQ, on his recent race-change operation
"If you re-elect me, I'll make 3 or even 4 Americas!"
-GEORGE W. BUSH, responding to John Edwards
"Dear Diary: 12 people read you yesterday, and some even gave comments! I'm so embarrassed - this is personal!"
-Blogger ERIN MATTHEWS, not quite getting the point
"We realized that a corporation this large would disrupt the gravitational balance keeping Earth in orbit and catapult us into the sun."
-MICHAEL EISNER, CEO of Disney, on the decision not to merge with Comcast
"Well, Iraq may not be politically ready by June 30, but we really need to get the soldiers home in time for the July 4 parades."
-GEORGE W. BUSH
"I looked through the Abercrombie & Fitch catalog, saw all their models, and realized - hey, I don't need clothes either!"
-PETE NEWTON
"I'm really getting sick of people asking me whether I'm gay."
-ROY G. BIV
"They're just not doing it."
-NIKE, refusing to allow its swoosh to appear on Detroit Tigers uniforms
"It turned out that who we thought was #2 from Al Qaeda was actually #2 from Austin Powers."
-Military spokesperson AARON McGILLIS
"We were rushed over in the National Guard - we were totally untrained in the Geneva Conventions. How should we know what's right and what's wrong?"
-Private LYNNDIE ENGLAND
"You will not see that which approaches you if you fail to look in its direction."
-CONFUCIUS
"Just when you thought there would be no plot..."
-Promo for KILL BILL 2
"Actually, we named our company for the amount of money we expected to get from our IPO."
-SERGEY BRIN and LARRY PAGE, founders of Google
"No, I think that project would be a little too ambitious."
-CAROLUS LINNAEUS, on classifying all the Christian denominations
"Wow, this is a much easier way to find myself!"
-HENRY DAVID THOREAU, on discovering Google
"September 11 wasn't entirely Bush's fault. It was also Al Qaeda's."
-KARL ROVE
"I don't watch TV, so it doesn't matter to me what happens in Iraq."
-Lazy voter BRAD CHAPIN
"Bush won?! If I had been this upset yesterday, I would have gone to the polls."
-Disgruntled voter LAUREN DUBOIS
"Well, as it gets older, it's harder to stay straight... <snicker snicker>"
-Phallic-symbol-obsessed literary critic ROLAND DESIMBECILES, explaining the Leaning Tower of Pisa
"VOTE or DIE!!"
-HURRICANE JEANNE, conducting its own voter-mobilization campaign
"Watch for The Swan's long-awaited sequel, Little Red Riding Hood, in which ugly women get voted off and eaten by wolves!"
-FOX TV, whose fall line-up has finally gone too far
"Well, you see, the terrorists are opposed to freedom. So I'm opposed to the opposite of freedom: work."
-GEORGE W. BUSH, defending the jobless recovery
"Thou Shalt Not Display The Ten Commandments."
-Upcoming SUPREME COURT ruling
"Shucks, now I'll have to wait another week for her to be available again."
-LECHEROUS ADOLESCENTS everywhere, on Britney Spears's recent marriage
"Would someone hurry up and steal that car already?"
-NELSON WALKER, after listening to a car alarm outside his window for twenty minutes
"Scientists stop light, discover dark matter"
-The AMPLETON HERALD
"What are you so concerned about? The popular vote doesn't matter anyway!"
-Diebold spokesman DAVID BEAR
"Wait... dude. Are we rioting because we won or because we lost?"
-Confused sports fan EVAN CALLAHAN
"I invented the Internets."
-GEORGE W. BUSH
"I'm John Kerry, and I approve this message. But I would have done it differently."
-JOHN KERRY, at the end of a new campaign TV spot
"Marriage is between a man and 22 women, and it will always stay that way."
-IBN SAUD, defending society's most sacred institution
"The Democrats say I'm a war hawk, but I'm telling you, I avoid going to war whenever I can. My Vietnam service proves that."
-GEORGE W. BUSH
"A man, a plan, a ca-TAFT FAT!!-a canal, Panama!"
-LESSER-KNOWN PALINDROME of the Roosevelt era
"Just take a left at the Starbucks."
-ELLEN STAMBLY, worst direction-giver in the United States
"We just need to stop putting vinegar in it!"
-THOMAS HUNT, 6, on Mount St. Helens

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