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Note: the following quotes can be verified at this website.
"Yes, it's a tough job, but after Saddam was caught, someone had to take over as the enemy of America."
"Every computer user knows that when something goes wrong, you just restart."
-Microsoft chairman BILL GATES, on his company's court strategy
"I can't say I'm happy with all the negative press it's generated against our holiday."
-THE EASTER BUNNY, on Mel Gibson's The Passion
"I have a head too. Why do I always have to be tails?"
"God made me do it."
-SATAN, after getting a kitten out of a tree.
"We're going to make the Grinch come alive. The greed, the contempt for simple pleasures, the obsession with material wealth -- we're going to make it all seem almost real."
-Studio executive TODD HALLOWELL, explaining why How The Grinch Stole Christmas will be a box office blockbuster
"I demand a recount!"
-A joke YOU could make anytime anyone counts anything. Please don't.
"Well, Iraq may not be politically ready by June 30, but we really need to get the soldiers home in time for the July 4 parades."
"CNN wasn't running my videos anymore. I had to get on the air somehow, and 'America's Funniest Home Videos' seemed like my best shot."
-Terrorist OSAMA BIN LADEN, defending his decision to videotape himself shooting himself in the groin
"In light of the finding, therefore, of the extremely negative effects of death on the world population, and, whereas, such deaths have been found to decrease said population, now, therefore..."
-Preamble to yet another ineffectual UNITED NATIONS RESOLUTION
"I stand here today because I had the courage and the resolve to visit The Hunger Site, The Cancer Site, The Rainforest Site, The Unemployment Site, and The Sadness Site - once each, every day, rain or shine."
-Websurfer JERRY H. MINKELSTEIN, accepting the Humanitarian Society's "Humanitarian of the Year" award
"Being an artist is like - oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm trying not to cry, but this is so exciting ... thank you, Academy, for helping our dreams come true."
-Fedex President FREDERICK W. SMITH, accepting the "Best Advertisement" Oscar for Cast Away

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