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Note: the following quotes can be verified at this website.
"Playing a Nazi is really going to expand my repertoire. I felt for a while like I was getting typecast."
-Actor GOOFY, on his upcoming role as Heinrich Himmler in Remembering the Holocaust
"I meets every goal, 'cause I chews me Skoal."
-POPEYE THE SAILOR MAN, in a new ad for Skoal Chewing Tobacco
"Well thank God we're back to a bipolar world!"
-Lazy historians and news analysts worldwide, reacting to September 11
"Shucks, now I'll have to wait another week for her to be available again."
-LECHEROUS ADOLESCENTS everywhere, on Britney Spears's recent marriage
"Scientists stop light, discover dark matter"
"Yo' momma is so fat that I had sex with her four times last night... wait... I mean when I was having sex with her she weighed so much... crap."
-A momma joke gone horribly awry
"The One Ring was forged in the fires of Mt. Doom by the Dark Lord, Sauron. It confers not just invisibility but a fearsome, unimaginable power capableof turning an ordinary man into a depraved, corrupted agent of evil. And now, it can all be yours, lovingly crafted in gold-plated stainless steel, for just $19.95."
"I thought we had this case won - we were even using the new 'Microsoft Trustbust XP' software to keep track of our arguments! I can't imagine what went wrong."
-U.S. Attorney General JOHN ASHCROFT, on the Justice Department's recent failure to force a breakup of Microsoft
"Yeah, 'Killing Me Softly With His Song' was a big hit, but for some reason the follow-up hasn't been selling as well."
-Former Fugees' lead singer LAURYN HILL, on her new single, "Killing Me Hard With His Guitar
"Two cords of wood a day. Now leave me alone."
"I have a head too. Why do I always have to be tails?"
"We felt that to have a good understanding of the disease, the reader should be able to get a good view of what healthy breasts look like."
-Time Magazine managing editor WALTER ISAACSON, defending Time's fourth breast cancer cover of the year

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