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Note: the following quotes can be verified at this website.
"Yo' momma is so fat that I had sex with her four times last night... wait... I mean when I was having sex with her she weighed so much... crap."
-A momma joke gone horribly awry
"September 11 wasn't entirely Bush's fault. It was also Al Qaeda's."
"We were rushed over in the National Guard - we were totally untrained in the Geneva Conventions. How should we know what's right and what's wrong?"
"Wow, this is a much easier way to find myself!"
-HENRY DAVID THOREAU, on discovering Google
"I meant richness of spirit, a rich heart."
-MELINDA GATES, explaining her earlier statement on why she married BILL
"The Koran says so - or, uh, it implies it. Probably."
-Mullah MOHAMMED OMAR, explaining why reading the Koran was added to the list of forbidden activities under his regime
"The Day After Tomorrow Came Yesterday"
-Working title for the next James Bond movie
"I meets every goal, 'cause I chews me Skoal."
-POPEYE THE SAILOR MAN, in a new ad for Skoal Chewing Tobacco
"No, I think my work is as clever and relevant as it ever was."
-WEIRD AL YANKOVIC, on his new single, "Poop, There It Is"
"When I take the mic, my lyrics are flowing /
I like to ride in the jets by Boeing"

-An unsuccessful bid by BUSTA RHYMES to get more free products after "Pass the Courvoisier"
"You know, I run, jump, and chase mice all the time, but with the media coverage I get, you only hear about the boring days."
-GARFIELD, on his comic strip artist, Jim Davis
"In light of the finding, therefore, of the extremely negative effects of death on the world population, and, whereas, such deaths have been found to decrease said population, now, therefore..."
-Preamble to yet another ineffectual UNITED NATIONS RESOLUTION

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