Return to Swift Magazine


Note: the following quotes can be verified at this website.
"Wait... dude. Are we rioting because we won or because we lost?"
-Confused sports fan EVAN CALLAHAN
"Every Saga Has A Beginning
But The Next Part Will Be Better, We Promise"

-Tagline for Star Wars, Episode II
"No - see, I'm on this no-carb diet, so if this were the body of Christ, then I could eat it."
-Catholic KEVIN SWEENEY, explaining his request that his priest bless fifteen loaves of bread
"If you support world peace, I think it's fair to say that our religion is where it's at right now."
-Jews for Mohammed Spokesperson SAHIR AL-OMAROWITZ
"Dear Clippy,
Yes, I am writing a letter, and no, dang it, I don't want your help!"

-Microsoft Word user CHARLIE SAMSON in a moment of frustration
"I demand a recount!"
-A joke YOU could make anytime anyone counts anything. Please don't.
"You know, everyone gives him crap about his offensive lyrics, but what they don't understand about Eminem is it's just all about the music."
-Eminem fan JUSTIN JOHNSON, on the various clinks and beeps interjected into Eminemís recordings during mixing
"Hey, plug that back in! It's still alive!"
-JEB BUSH, when his wife unplugged a TV set that had been nonfunctional for 13 years
"Excuse me, but can you give me the time?"
-HOLDEN CAULFIELD's favorite pick-up line
"We realized that a corporation this large would disrupt the gravitational balance keeping Earth in orbit and catapult us into the sun."
-MICHAEL EISNER, CEO of Disney, on the decision not to merge with Comcast
"Where do you think the party gets its Green?"
-AL GORE, speculating that Republicans are paying Nader to run again
"... one nation, under God, or gods, or no god, or Goddess, or possibly Satan, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all."
-new version of the PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE

Show All Quotes