Return to Swift Magazine

Overheard

Note: the following quotes can be verified at this website.
"I figured out I was an Eskimo trapped in a black man's body."
-NIGAQ (né TYRONE) ANUNIAQ, on his recent race-change operation
"Yeah, 'Killing Me Softly With His Song' was a big hit, but for some reason the follow-up hasn't been selling as well."
-Former Fugees' lead singer LAURYN HILL, on her new single, "Killing Me Hard With His Guitar
"Yes, it's a tough job, but after Saddam was caught, someone had to take over as the enemy of America."
-MARTHA STEWART
"This book is fantastic! It really helped me stop lying."
-DAVID FJORDSEN, as quoted on the back of 101 Ways to Cure Yourself of Pathological Lying
"ITWOSE, acronyms are more important than ever!"
-Anchorman TOM BROKAW, promoting his new abbreviation for "In The Wake Of September Eleventh"
"Lousy unoriginal Neo punk. Why didn't he just go all out and get the stigmata too?"
-JESUS CHRIST
"Playing a Nazi is really going to expand my repertoire. I felt for a while like I was getting typecast."
-Actor GOOFY, on his upcoming role as Heinrich Himmler in Remembering the Holocaust
"I googled 'Shuffleboard'! How in the world were my first 50 results porn sites?"
-Shuffleboard enthusiast NED CRANDALL
"This moment is so much bigger than me. This moment is for Mel Gibson, Paul Hogan, Yahoo Serious, and every nameless, faceless Australian that now has a chance because this door tonight has been opened."
-Actor RUSSELL CROWE, in his Academy Award acceptance speech
"Bush won?! If I had been this upset yesterday, I would have gone to the polls."
-Disgruntled voter LAUREN DUBOIS
"... one nation, under God, or gods, or no god, or Goddess, or possibly Satan, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all."
-new version of the PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE
"Actually, we named our company for the amount of money we expected to get from our IPO."
-SERGEY BRIN and LARRY PAGE, founders of Google

Show All Quotes