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Overheard

Note: the following quotes can be verified at this website.
"What is this? Woodstock gets to be named after an awesome rock festival. And what am I? An adjective."
-SNOOPY, in a complaint to Charles Schulz
"You just can't face the fact that your mother's face could turn Medusa to stone! You can't stand the thought that you have no sexual feelings for her at all, so you've constructed this elaborate myth of an Oedipus complex, claiming to repress feelings that are completely absent!"
-Psycho-analyst CARL JUNG, to his mentor, SIGMUND FREUD
"Pants. Are you walking around in a cotton death trap?"
-A recent FOX-25 investigative report
"I googled 'Shuffleboard'! How in the world were my first 50 results porn sites?"
-Shuffleboard enthusiast NED CRANDALL
"Where do you think the party gets its Green?"
-AL GORE, speculating that Republicans are paying Nader to run again
"Yeah... we told Rumsfeld that if we get a royal flush, we get to invade Syria."
-GEORGE W. BUSH, on the Iraqi most-wanted playing cards
"Poor spelling is a major problem facing American public schools. We aren't sure what the source is, but something must be done."
-Rap artists OUTKAST, MYSTIKAL, LUDACRIS, and FABOLOUS, in a recent public service announcement
"I figured out I was an Eskimo trapped in a black man's body."
-NIGAQ (né TYRONE) ANUNIAQ, on his recent race-change operation
"No, I think that project would be a little too ambitious."
-CAROLUS LINNAEUS, on classifying all the Christian denominations
"Hey, plug that back in! It's still alive!"
-JEB BUSH, when his wife unplugged a TV set that had been nonfunctional for 13 years
"Now pay attention, 007. What I have here may seem like an ordinary piece of wood. But it contains a sophisticated hand-operated hinging mechanism that allows its operator to pass through walls unscathed. However,anyone who does not follow the proper procedure will find themselves shut outside and quite a bit bruised."
-Product developer Q, of MI6, on his front door
"Playing a Nazi is really going to expand my repertoire. I felt for a while like I was getting typecast."
-Actor GOOFY, on his upcoming role as Heinrich Himmler in Remembering the Holocaust

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