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Note: the following quotes can be verified at this website.
"Boom! Crash, bang! U.S.A.!"
-Secretary of Defense DONALD RUMSFELD, when asked to detail the military objectives of bombing Afghanistan
"The real trick to winning a race is to do one good lap and loop the footage, instead of driving the whole race."
-NASCAR driver JEFF GORDON, explaining his string of recent victories
"It's a pleasant wine, with a Ramen-like aroma and subtle hints of Twinkie, Handi-Snacks, and Dunkaroos."
-The review for which noted wine taster JACQUES DE COCHON was fired
"Well, I kind of understand. Mickey’s become less popular and recognized than Joe Camel, and I think he was just trying to reenter the 'in' crowd."
-MINNIE MOUSE, commenting on her husband’s having recently taken up smoking
"When I take the mic, my lyrics are flowing /
I like to ride in the jets by Boeing"

-An unsuccessful bid by BUSTA RHYMES to get more free products after "Pass the Courvoisier"
"Yeah, most of the songs were put on the list because they might remind people of the attacks. But that one just annoys us."
-Clear Channel spokesperson RANDY MICHAELS, on why the "Macarena" is included in his radio company's list of "discouraged" songs
"Yeah... we told Rumsfeld that if we get a royal flush, we get to invade Syria."
-GEORGE W. BUSH, on the Iraqi most-wanted playing cards
"VOTE or DIE!!"
-HURRICANE JEANNE, conducting its own voter-mobilization campaign
"Our opponents are not easy to find; they are dispersed all over the world, using a vast decentralized network to help each other with their nefarious crimes. But we will eventually hunt them all down, and we will prevail."
-Recording Industry Association of America president HILARY B. ROSEN, on the file-sharing technology that has replaced Napster
"Despite ample warning, you will eat a stale fortune cookie."
"I vant to give my blood."
-DRACULA, reacting to the September 11th attacks
"I know TV has come a long way in recent years, but I never thought I would be lucky enough to watch Willis from Diff'rent Strokes eat five goat penises."
-Celebrity Fear Factor viewer KRISTEN STONE

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