Note: the following quotes can be verified at this website.
|"Boom! Crash, bang! U.S.A.!"
-Secretary of Defense DONALD RUMSFELD, when asked to detail the military objectives of bombing Afghanistan
|"The real trick to winning a race is to do one good lap and loop the
footage, instead of driving the whole race."
-NASCAR driver JEFF GORDON, explaining his string of recent victories
|"It's a pleasant wine, with a Ramen-like aroma and subtle hints of
Twinkie, Handi-Snacks, and Dunkaroos."
-The review for which noted wine taster JACQUES DE COCHON was fired
|"Well, I kind of understand. Mickey’s become less popular and recognized than Joe Camel, and I think he was just trying to reenter the 'in' crowd."
-MINNIE MOUSE, commenting on her husband’s having recently taken up smoking
|"When I take the mic, my lyrics are flowing /
I like to ride in the jets by Boeing"
-An unsuccessful bid by BUSTA RHYMES to get more free products after "Pass the Courvoisier"
|"Yeah, most of the songs were put on the list because they might remind people of the attacks. But that one just annoys us."
-Clear Channel spokesperson RANDY MICHAELS, on why the "Macarena" is included in his radio company's list of "discouraged" songs
|"Yeah... we told Rumsfeld that if we get a royal flush, we get to invade
-GEORGE W. BUSH, on the Iraqi most-wanted playing cards
|"VOTE or DIE!!"
-HURRICANE JEANNE, conducting its own voter-mobilization campaign
|"Our opponents are not easy to find; they are dispersed all over the world, using a vast decentralized network to help each other with their nefarious crimes. But we will eventually hunt them all down, and we will prevail."
-Recording Industry Association of America president HILARY B. ROSEN, on the file-sharing technology that has replaced Napster
|"Despite ample warning, you will eat a stale fortune cookie."
-A FORTUNE COOKIE
|"I vant to give my blood."
-DRACULA, reacting to the September 11th attacks
|"I know TV has come a long way in recent years, but I never thought I
would be lucky enough to watch Willis from Diff'rent Strokes eat
five goat penises."
-Celebrity Fear Factor viewer KRISTEN STONE
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