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Note: the following quotes can be verified at this website.
"I stand here today because I had the courage and the resolve to visit The Hunger Site, The Cancer Site, The Rainforest Site, The Unemployment Site, and The Sadness Site - once each, every day, rain or shine."
-Websurfer JERRY H. MINKELSTEIN, accepting the Humanitarian Society's "Humanitarian of the Year" award
"It's a bird... it's Superman... it's a PLANE!"
-UNITED's new advertising slogan
"There's probably a few months left before we conquer terrorism. At that point, we'll probably move on to corruption, and by 2004 we should be done with perversion."
-Secretary of State COLIN POWELL, on his plans for future campaigns
"The Day After Tomorrow Came Yesterday"
-Working title for the next James Bond movie
"Thou Shalt Not Display The Ten Commandments."
-Upcoming SUPREME COURT ruling
"I wholeheartedly support every single decision George W. Bush has made as President."
-Former Vice President AL GORE, just to see if anyone is listening
"I ask only this: do you have more support for me today than you did four years ago?"
-GEORGE W. BUSH on the 2004 campaign trail
"Every safe landing is another victory against terrorism. There's nothing wrong with a little gloating."
-United Airlines spokesperson VERONICA TEDIO, on United's new post-flight song: QUEEN's "We Are The Champions"
"This book is fantastic! It really helped me stop lying."
-DAVID FJORDSEN, as quoted on the back of 101 Ways to Cure Yourself of Pathological Lying
"We understand that the Olympics are not what they once were, and we would like to restore them to their former glory and high ratings."
-A representative from NBC, on the station's proposal to bring back the ancient Olympic tradition of having athletes compete naked
"Now pay attention, 007. What I have here may seem like an ordinary piece of wood. But it contains a sophisticated hand-operated hinging mechanism that allows its operator to pass through walls unscathed. However,anyone who does not follow the proper procedure will find themselves shut outside and quite a bit bruised."
-Product developer Q, of MI6, on his front door
"They hate Americans because we're free, right? I figure, this will change that."
-Attorney General JOHN ASHCROFT, defending his proposals for extended FBI powers

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