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Note: the following quotes can be verified at this website.
"I thought we had this case won - we were even using the new 'Microsoft Trustbust XP' software to keep track of our arguments! I can't imagine what went wrong."
-U.S. Attorney General JOHN ASHCROFT, on the Justice Department's recent failure to force a breakup of Microsoft
"We understand that the Olympics are not what they once were, and we would like to restore them to their former glory and high ratings."
-A representative from NBC, on the station's proposal to bring back the ancient Olympic tradition of having athletes compete naked
"Pants. Are you walking around in a cotton death trap?"
-A recent FOX-25 investigative report
"I think we're going to get a favorable decision. After all, expulsion from Paradise is no small matter, and to be perfectly honest, she started it."
-Lawyer ALAN DERSHOWITZ, on the class-action suit brought by his client, Man, against Woman. The suit accuses Woman of original sin and seeks $35 trillion in compensatory damages.
"We felt that to have a good understanding of the disease, the reader should be able to get a good view of what healthy breasts look like."
-Time Magazine managing editor WALTER ISAACSON, defending Time's fourth breast cancer cover of the year
"I stand here today because I had the courage and the resolve to visit The Hunger Site, The Cancer Site, The Rainforest Site, The Unemployment Site, and The Sadness Site - once each, every day, rain or shine."
-Websurfer JERRY H. MINKELSTEIN, accepting the Humanitarian Society's "Humanitarian of the Year" award
"God made me do it."
-SATAN, after getting a kitten out of a tree.
"I do... well, I hope I do..."
-BRIAN SOLLERS, on the uncertain legality of his marriage to Aaron Firestein
"I know TV has come a long way in recent years, but I never thought I would be lucky enough to watch Willis from Diff'rent Strokes eat five goat penises."
-Celebrity Fear Factor viewer KRISTEN STONE
"Yeah, 'Killing Me Softly With His Song' was a big hit, but for some reason the follow-up hasn't been selling as well."
-Former Fugees' lead singer LAURYN HILL, on her new single, "Killing Me Hard With His Guitar
"It won't be easy, but we hope it will be quicker than Operation Arthritis, our plan to take out Castro."
-Secretary of State COLIN POWELL, on Operation Enduring Freedom
"This bacon was made from pigs that were real jerks."
-HORMEL's new animal-rights-friendly label

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