Note: the following quotes can be verified at this website.
|"We were rushed over in the National Guard - we were totally untrained in the Geneva Conventions.
How should we know what's right and what's wrong?"
-Private LYNNDIE ENGLAND
|"He's ... medium height, with ... brown hair. Um, he wears sneakers. Short hair. You still don't know who I'm talking about? All right, let's see ... he has a blue backpack that he wears when he's going to class. A lot of times he stops first and goes to the drinking fountain. You know who he is yet?"
-High school sophomore ERIN MATTHEWS, trying to describe the only black student in her class
|"Thou Shalt Not Display The Ten Commandments."
-Upcoming SUPREME COURT ruling
|"What? It's a compromise, isn't it?"
-Politician KENT SWEENEY, defending his proposal to make abortion legal only in the case that the fetus is a convicted murderer
|"It's a pleasant wine, with a Ramen-like aroma and subtle hints of
Twinkie, Handi-Snacks, and Dunkaroos."
-The review for which noted wine taster JACQUES DE COCHON was fired
|"... one nation, under God, or gods, or no god, or Goddess, or possibly Satan, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all."
-new version of the PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE
|"Not-Yankees Repeat As World Champs!"
-THE BOSTON GLOBE
|"Bush won?! If I had been this upset yesterday, I would have gone to the polls."
-Disgruntled voter LAUREN DUBOIS
|"I don't think the media gives alternative candidates fair coverage."
-Natural Law Party candidate JOHN HAGELIN, summarizing all his qualifications and policy proposals
|"Well, what were we supposed to do? Not assassinate them?"
-WHITE HOUSE PRESS RELEASE explaining why the killing of Qusay and Uday Hussein did not violate President Ford's 1976 Executive Order forbidding political assassinations
|"Anyone with knives is a terrorist. Do you want us to listen to the terrorists?"
-FAA Spokesperson GREG MARTIN, defending the decision to halt all flights, even though Nathaniel Heatwole had said exactly when and where he would be hiding the knives
-Every improv comedy audience ever asked to name a movie genre
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