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Note: the following quotes can be verified at this website.
"You know, everyone gives him crap about his offensive lyrics, but what they don't understand about Eminem is it's just all about the music."
-Eminem fan JUSTIN JOHNSON, on the various clinks and beeps interjected into Eminemís recordings during mixing
"It's a pleasant wine, with a Ramen-like aroma and subtle hints of Twinkie, Handi-Snacks, and Dunkaroos."
-The review for which noted wine taster JACQUES DE COCHON was fired
"I don't watch TV, so it doesn't matter to me what happens in Iraq."
-Lazy voter BRAD CHAPIN
"Well, Iraq may not be politically ready by June 30, but we really need to get the soldiers home in time for the July 4 parades."
"It's the stupid economy."
-BILL CLINTON, on Bush's stabilizing popularity and the apparent end to the recession in late 2003
"Struggling corporations need a helper, not a handout. Let's give the money to faith-based organizations who can make sure that we leave no company behind."
-President GEORGE W. BUSH, unveiling his new plan for faith-based corporate welfare
"Wang and I no way reckless. We just try communicate using inversion technique from American training video Top Gun."
-Surviving chinese fighter pilot ZHAO YU, on his April 1st collision
"Every safe landing is another victory against terrorism. There's nothing wrong with a little gloating."
-United Airlines spokesperson VERONICA TEDIO, on United's new post-flight song: QUEEN's "We Are The Champions"
"Well, it won everything else..."
-PETER JACKSON, running The Lord of the Rings as a Democratic candidate
"Shucks, now I'll have to wait another week for her to be available again."
-LECHEROUS ADOLESCENTS everywhere, on Britney Spears's recent marriage
"Only I can prevent forest fires."
-PAUL BUNYAN, stumping for the Bush forest policy
"A man, a plan, a ca-TAFT FAT!!-a canal, Panama!"
-LESSER-KNOWN PALINDROME of the Roosevelt era

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