Note: the following quotes can be verified at this website.
|"I thought we had this case won - we were even using the new 'Microsoft Trustbust XP' software to keep track of our arguments! I can't imagine what went wrong."
-U.S. Attorney General JOHN ASHCROFT, on the Justice Department's recent failure to force a breakup of Microsoft
|"We understand that the Olympics are not what they once were, and we would like to restore them to their former glory and high ratings."
-A representative from NBC, on the station's proposal to bring back the ancient Olympic tradition of having athletes compete naked
|"Pants. Are you walking around in a cotton death trap?"
-A recent FOX-25 investigative report
|"I think we're going to get a favorable decision. After all, expulsion from Paradise is no small matter, and to be perfectly honest, she started it."
-Lawyer ALAN DERSHOWITZ, on the class-action suit brought by his client, Man, against Woman. The suit accuses Woman of original sin and seeks $35 trillion in compensatory damages.
|"We felt that to have a good understanding of the disease, the reader
should be able to get a good view of what healthy breasts look like."
-Time Magazine managing editor WALTER ISAACSON, defending Time's fourth breast cancer cover of the year
|"I stand here today because I had the courage and the resolve to visit
The Hunger Site, The Cancer Site, The Rainforest Site, The Unemployment
Site, and The Sadness Site - once each, every day, rain or
-Websurfer JERRY H. MINKELSTEIN, accepting the Humanitarian Society's "Humanitarian of the Year" award
|"God made me do it."
-SATAN, after getting a kitten out of a tree.
|"I do... well, I hope I do..."
-BRIAN SOLLERS, on the uncertain legality of his marriage to Aaron Firestein
|"I know TV has come a long way in recent years, but I never thought I
would be lucky enough to watch Willis from Diff'rent Strokes eat
five goat penises."
-Celebrity Fear Factor viewer KRISTEN STONE
|"Yeah, 'Killing Me Softly With His Song' was a big hit, but for some reason the follow-up hasn't been selling as well."
-Former Fugees' lead singer LAURYN HILL, on her new single, "Killing Me Hard With His Guitar
|"It won't be easy, but we hope it will be quicker than Operation Arthritis, our plan to take out Castro."
-Secretary of State COLIN POWELL, on Operation Enduring Freedom
|"This bacon was made from pigs that were real jerks."
-HORMEL's new animal-rights-friendly label
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