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Note: the following quotes can be verified at this website.
"We were rushed over in the National Guard - we were totally untrained in the Geneva Conventions. How should we know what's right and what's wrong?"
"He's ... medium height, with ... brown hair. Um, he wears sneakers. Short hair. You still don't know who I'm talking about? All right, let's see ... he has a blue backpack that he wears when he's going to class. A lot of times he stops first and goes to the drinking fountain. You know who he is yet?"
-High school sophomore ERIN MATTHEWS, trying to describe the only black student in her class
"Thou Shalt Not Display The Ten Commandments."
-Upcoming SUPREME COURT ruling
"What? It's a compromise, isn't it?"
-Politician KENT SWEENEY, defending his proposal to make abortion legal only in the case that the fetus is a convicted murderer
"It's a pleasant wine, with a Ramen-like aroma and subtle hints of Twinkie, Handi-Snacks, and Dunkaroos."
-The review for which noted wine taster JACQUES DE COCHON was fired
"... one nation, under God, or gods, or no god, or Goddess, or possibly Satan, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all."
-new version of the PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE
"Not-Yankees Repeat As World Champs!"
"Bush won?! If I had been this upset yesterday, I would have gone to the polls."
-Disgruntled voter LAUREN DUBOIS
"I don't think the media gives alternative candidates fair coverage."
-Natural Law Party candidate JOHN HAGELIN, summarizing all his qualifications and policy proposals
"Well, what were we supposed to do? Not assassinate them?"
-WHITE HOUSE PRESS RELEASE explaining why the killing of Qusay and Uday Hussein did not violate President Ford's 1976 Executive Order forbidding political assassinations
"Anyone with knives is a terrorist. Do you want us to listen to the terrorists?"
-FAA Spokesperson GREG MARTIN, defending the decision to halt all flights, even though Nathaniel Heatwole had said exactly when and where he would be hiding the knives
-Every improv comedy audience ever asked to name a movie genre

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